Dear Dr.Love How Do I heal a Broken Heart?

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Hi there,

I broke up with a guy a couple months ago.. well, the break up was rather sudden/unexpected because the guy suddenly felt he cannot commit to a relationship due to his stresses in life (I think). He was determined to marry me at first but when various pressure hit him hard, he decided he wants to be single for the rest of his life.

The period leading to the break up seemed to have torn him apart as I felt his gradual distance (thinking probably due to his stress at that time), his guilt and sadness, yet only 3 months after the break up, he met a foreign girl and according to him, the girl had initiated a relationship with him shortly after knowing each other for two weeks. He accepted the pursuit.

I don’t know how true his words are when he said they only got together for two weeks after I caught them holding hands outside one day! I have great doubt because why would anyone bring someone whom he barely knows home and out for dinner with his family when he only knows her for less than a month? He insisted the story was true and that he didn’t cheat on me before we broke up (because I suspected he may have cheated that’s why he has moved so quickly). Also, after our break up, I was trying very hard to get back with him but he felt that he still can’t and truly wanted to be single. I believed him and gave some space while continuing to be his friend until I saw him holding that foreign girl’s hand!

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My questions:

1. How can I move on without a proper closure from this guy? He seems to not know the exact reason(s) why he decided to end the relationship as he cited “many factors added up” which I supposed were mainly about marriage and commitment and also poor communication as he did not let me know how he truly felt clearly? After breaking up, I told him we can always discuss if he can express better what he wants and we can come to a compromise, but he refused to patch with me.

2. I still love him, but he appears to have moved on very quickly, yet, he is telling me that this ‘quick relationship’ with the foreign girl isn’t what everyone thought. He said that he feels like he is in a relationship but not like a relationship. I don’t get it, is this a rebound? But he seems to be moving on fast and never contact me until I initiate contacts. Also, he kept telling me he wants to focus on building his career for now, so no time for emotional stuff but he is currently still in a relationship with this new girl? He claimed that this girl also works 6 days a week and she is ok with his schedule and future plan of the possibility of traveling around the world to work etc. All his stories have confused me so much, I can’t move on because I trust him to be honest with me and I trusted our friendship.

I really wonder if he is lying or truly confused? He just can’t answer me why he jumped into a relationship so quickly without knowing much about that girl (assuming he was telling the truth) and the ONE main reason we broke up. He admitted he lied to me about wanting to be single while dating this girl after our break up until I caught them. This was done so as not to hurt me, but that’s all he could explain after getting ‘caught’ lying.

Logic tells me something is fishy about him and some of his stories but knowing him as someone sincere from the past, I just couldn’t imagine how he would ever lie with ease? This image just doesn’t align with whom I knew. Head says get over, heart secretly yearns for a patch.

Please Help me!

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Hi Syahira,

 

I understand it must be tough to wrap your head around this breakup, but you can and will get over this guy. Let us first address your question about closure. I think you already have the answers you need for a proper closure. First of all, he has already made up his mind about the break up and has clearly already moved on.

You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who already decided he doesn’t want to be in it with you. The right move is to move on. Do not make any excuses for him or try to rationalize the break up and his new relationship. Over analyzing the situation is not healthy for you and you will get nothing out of it.

The hard truth is that he was not honest with you about the reason for wanting the breakup which is why you are so confused right now. The bottom-line is that you deserve to be with someone wants to be committed to you. I’m sure you still care for him, but with time you will get over him. My advice to you is to cut off all contact with him. The more you try to talk to him, the more you will push him away. You do not want to seem desperate. Get on with the healing that you need to do. Keep yourself busy, surround yourself with friends, find a new hobby. You will come to point of being at peace with the situation and get the closure you need. You will then have the freedom to find what you really want and deserve in a relationship.

 

Sincerely,

Dr. Love.

 

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